Lincolnshire England linc2u.comJokes in Lincolnshire

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True Courtroom Humour

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  1. One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute William Feather

  2. Q. Are you married?
    A. No, Iím divorced.
    Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
    A. A lot of things I didnít know about.

  3. Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
    A. I will be three months on the 9th November.
    Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was the 9th August?
    A. Yes.
    Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

  4. Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
    A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

  5. Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

  6. Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Chermney?
    A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Chermney, and said he was really good.

  7. Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
    A. I should be.
    Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
    A. Four times.

  8. Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
    A. By death.
    Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

  9. Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
    A. Because he was argumentary and he couldnít pronunciate his words.

  10. Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
    A. Yes, sir.
    Q. Before or after he died?

  11. Q. What happened then?
    A. He told me, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
    Q. Did he kill you?
    A. No.

  12. Q. What is your name?
    A. Peter Roberts.
    Q. And what is your marital status?
    A. Fair.

  13. Q. ...and what did he do then?
    A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
    Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

  14. Q. And lastly, Jimmy, all your responses must be oral. you understand?
    A. Yes sir
    Q. What school do you go to?
    A. Oral.
    Q. How old are you?
    A. Oral.

  15. Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.

  16. Q. Are you sexually active?
    A. No, I just lie there.

  17. Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
    A. I could see his head.
    Q. And where was his head?
    A. Just above his shoulders.

  18. Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
    A. No.
    Q. What was he doing with the dogís ears?
    A. Picking them up in the air.
    Q. Where was the dog at this time?
    A. Attached to the ears.

  19. Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
    A. He didnít offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

  20. Q. Do you drink when youíre on duty?
    A. I donít drink when Iím on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

  21. Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your lawyer?
    A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

  22. Q. So, after the anaesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
    A. I didnít see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
    Q. It was covered?
    A. Yes, bandaged.
    Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
    A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

  23. Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
    A. She is my daughter.
    Q. Was she your daughter on 14th February, 1989?

  24. Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
    Mr. Smith: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

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