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Genealogy and Getting Older

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  1. Senior Sentiments
    A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day, she wasnít there, and the next day, she was.
    She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming at her, but she just íscreams back.
    If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay part of the bills, but no. Every once in a while, I find a five pound note stuck in a coat pocket or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough.
    I donít want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me, I go to the bank and withdraw £50, and a few days later, itís all gone. I certainly donít spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me.
    Youíd think she could spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream.
    Lord knows she needs it.
    And money isnít the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate especially the good stuff like ice cream, biscuit's and sweets. I canít seem to keep that stuff in the house anymore.
    She must have a real sweet tooth, but sheíd better watch it because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realises this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scales to make me think I am putting on weight, too.
    For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my wardrobe when Iím not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit. And messing with my files and papers so I canít find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organised. She also fiddles with my VCR so it does not record what I have carefully and correctly programmed.
    She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I canít read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.
    She has done other things like my making my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and taps harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge. Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids to make it impossible for me to open the jars.
    Is this any way to repay my hospitality?
    She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolises it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.
    Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken, and just as the Camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me!
    No one is going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me.

  2. The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by, she was alternately stroking her own cheek and then his again. Finally, she spoke, "Grandad, did God make you?" "Yes, Sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she said. Then, "Grandad, did God make me, too?" "Yes, indeed, Honey," he assured her. "God made you, just a little while ago." "Oh," she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now, isn't he!"

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